Merry Christmas and to all a Good Night
by carby101
Summary: Formerly Merry Christmas. Abby's POV-when she makes a fatal mistake she feels as though she has no one to turn to. Just REVIEW! Chap 5 up *UNFINISHED*
1. Twas the Night Before Christmas

A/N- This is set somewhere in season 8 while Abby is drinking. It might end up as a carby, well knowing me it probably will, but at the beginning it's just gonna be an Abby fic. So if you're an Abby fan, but not a Carby you are allowed to enjoy it. Please R&R, all flames are welcome.  
  
I'm driving, passing houses decorated with tasteless, tacky Christmas lights at what seems like a hundred miles an hour, to get to...... well to get away. Get away from what? Well to get away from myself, I disgust myself sometimes, so much that I feel I have to get away. I tell myself that it's going to be the last time, I tell myself that never again will I drink any more alcohol, of any kind, shape or size. Things always end the same way, sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to go on. If I was strong I would stay away from the alcohol, If I was strong I wouldn't hurt the people I love. My life is full of 'ifs' and 'buts' at the moment and sometimes the things in my head are so loud that I want to shout at them to shut up. They won't shut up though, they just keep on at me, screaming and yelling at me to give in and so I do. I embrace the alcohol like a former lover and it gives me release and calm for a short while. Then it's gone and I'm left empty and alone.  
  
As I speed along the quiet roads I have to ask myself why the hell I'm here. I've been drinking, I shouldn't be driving and at the rate I'm going it's just a matter of time before I get pulled over by the police. I should calm down, stop worrying, I just need to clear my mind. Things have been complicated for me lately and I know that there's a reason why I'm driving, I just need to find it. The reason is stashed in the back of my head and as I drive I wonder what it is. I think I know, I think I don't just want to get away, I want something to distract me from life and its constant tragedies.  
  
Another reason might be that in the back of my mind I'm hoping that I'm going to crash this car and end my living nightmare. My thoughts sound pretty damn suicidal to me and I scare myself. Al I have to do is think of the good things in my life to remind myself that of course I'm not suicidal, I'm just going through a rough patch in my life and soon it'll be over (I mean the rough patch, not my life). I've convinced myself that I should go back home, when I round a corner at some amazingly high speed. It's dark, I'm distracted, I can't see, there's a loud crashing sound. Oh I haven't crashed the car, if that's what you're thinking, no, I've done something infinitely worse, I've hit someone. I get out of the car and see a young girl, no more than five years old, lying there, still. The blood falling from her head has stained the snow she lies in and has made it worse. She doesn't move and I kneel down to feel for a pulse. When I don't find one, my first instinct is to call an ambulance, but I don't. I don't know why, I know I should, but with the ambulance will come the police and I'm not prepared to answer their questions. Why was I driving out in the dark, late at night? Why was I driving at such a high speed? Why was I driving when I had been drinking? At that moment I make the most important and stupid decision of my life. I get back in my car and careful of the motionless body, I drive away into the dark, leaving her there.  
  
***  
  
I get to work later to find that everyone is tied in a trauma. I enter the trauma room and I see a young girl lying on the gurney. The girl I hit, it's her, I recognise her face and from the looks on the faces of everyone around her she's going to die. I stand there frozen, as Luka says her time of death and I realise that I'm a murderer. Luka storms out of the room, I know he's upset, I know it's always worse for him around Christmas. All the tinsel, tack lights and presents and I know that all he wants is to be surrounded by his family. I follow him out of the room and I follow him outside where he stands, frustrated. He notices me there and looks up at me,  
  
"An hour," he says, " A whole hour, the person who hit her leaves and she doesn't get found for an hour. If I could get my hands on the son of a bitch who hit her and ran away......." he trails off, at a loss for words.  
  
"Maybe," I say tentatively, "they were scared."  
  
"So they just leave her there, in the freezing cold to die. "  
  
"Maybe they didn't have a choice," I say, feeling tears in my eyes. He looks at me, questions in his eyes and he asks me if I'm okay.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just tired," I say, gritting my teeth as I lie. I want to tell him, but I'm scared that he won't understand, so I lie, lying seems to be all I do nowadays.  
  
I walk inside from the cold, to the warmth of the lounge. I'm looking for John, maybe I can tell him, he would understand, I know he would. I find him in the lounge, cuddled up with Susan and all the things I want to tell him hide away inside me. I can't tell him, he won't care, he has someone else to care about. I don't think I can tell anyone, I think that this is one of those things that I'm going to have to keep bottled up inside me forever.  
  
The shift crawls along, slowly and steadily, at the end I wish everyone a happy Christmas for tomorrow and leave. I get in my car and drive to the bar I can find. Once there I get drunk, like all the other poor losers alone at Christmas . I get so drunk that I end up flirting heavily with some guy who seems to be drunk as I am. I don't remember much after that, It's not that I'm too drunk to remember, I just want to forget, forget everything. So when I wake up the next morning in a strange bed, I can't help but wonder how I got there. 


	2. Hungover

A/N- This is the new chapter, quite a quick update coz I wanted to get this chapter up before Christmas. As always, please R&R  
  
I look around the room I've woken up in, my head pounding and my first though is that I must have slept with that guy at the bar. I'm wondering what to say to him, when into the room walks Luka, carrying a mug of something hot.  
  
'Good Morning,' he says to me,  
  
'Mmm morning. Um Luka, how did I get here?' I ask, almost afraid of the answer,  
  
'You can't remember, after that amazing night we spent together?' he asks as I feel my heartbeat start to race.  
  
'Um,' I say, my face reflecting what I feel. I'm almost taken aback when he starts to laugh,  
  
'Calm down Abby, I was only joking.'  
  
'Oh,' I say, as my heart stops pounding and returns to it's normal rate.  
  
'I found you at a bar, drunk and all over a guy. I took you back here to make sure that you were okay."  
  
'And you slept on the couch?' I ask,  
  
'Yes, I slept on the couch. Now take this,' he says, handing me the mug. I look at it sceptically, I take it from him and look at its contents. They're steaming hot and are a brownish colour.  
  
'Um, no offence Luka, but what is this?'  
  
'It's a Croatian hangover remedy,'  
  
'Oh,' I say looking at it. I don't want to offend him, so I drink it, wincing as its terrible taste slides down my throat. Once it's all gone I give the mug to him and he leaves the room saying, 'Merry Christmas Abby.'  
  
**************  
  
Christmas, it's Christmas and yet I don't feel the slightest bit excited. I can't help but wonder about the parents of the girl who I killed, I can't help but wonder what their Christmas is going to be like. I have to go to work and I spend my shift miserable. Once my shift is over I get in my car do something that my conscience is forcing me to. During the day I looked through files to find the address of the parents of the little girl and as I stand on their porch, I can't help but wonder if they're even going to answer. I'm caught off my guard when a teary eyed middle aged lady opens the door and says to me in an irritable tone of voice, 'yes?' I don't know what I should say, I don't know why I'm even there. I can't tell them that I killed their little girl, so what should I say?  
  
'Hey, I work at Cook County general. We treated your daughter there last night.' She looks at me, great sadness in her eyes and invites me into her home. I feel like a traitor, everywhere there are traces of a child, her toys, pictures, everything. She leads me into their lounge and under the tree there are many unopened presents. I sit down on the couch next to her and she tells me that her husband is out at the moment.  
  
'I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was about.....' I realise that I don't even know her name, 'about your daughter.'  
  
'Jess?'  
  
'Yeah, about Jess. Do you have any other children?'  
  
'No. We, well... after we had Jess, we tried for another one, but.... well, I can't have another baby.'  
  
'I'm so sorry,'  
  
'It's not your fault, I'm sure you did everything you could.'  
  
'Yeah.' She sees me looking at the presents and laughs a sad laugh.  
  
'Rob - my husband, he waited in queues for ages to get her the Barbie playset thing. She's been asking for it for ages, ever since her friend from playschool got one.' A tear falls down her cheek and awkwardly I pat her on the back.  
  
*****  
  
About an hour later I arrive back at my place. There's no trace of Christmas and all I want to do is cry. I look at my answerphone and see that I have one new message. I play it and hear the unmistakable voice of John Carter coming from my answerphone,  
  
'Hey Abby, it's me. I just thought I'd phone because you were acting a bit....off yesterday. I dunno, I just thought I'd phone to see how you are and to wish you a Merry Christmas. So, well I've done that, so.... phone me back when you get back from wherever you are. Well, bye then.' I don't phone him back, I just listen to the message over and over again, as I lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep.  
  
*Merry Christmas and to all a good night* 


	3. The girl in the mirror

A/N-I had to repost this fic coz I am very stupid and I realised that the chapters were in the wrong order and in the process of trying to put them in the right order I deleted the fic (and reviews :[ ). Not a lot really happens in this chapter. As always please R&R, I need to know whether this should be a carby.  
  
I wake up in the morning and it's amazing how little has changed. I still feel awful, I still feel alone, in fact the only difference is that my eyes are sore and blotchy from crying. I feel nauseous and even the thought of food makes me want to throw up, I reach into the back of one of my many cupboards and pull out my only friend in the world, a half full bottle of vodka. After searching for a glass of some sort and realising that all my glasses are in my sink and awaiting washing, I bring the bottle to my lips and feel the familiar taste fill my throat.  
  
Suddenly things don't feel so bad anymore, so I drink more, suddenly all my problems vanish and are replaced with a strange surge of happiness, so I drink yet more and before I know it the contents of the bottle have disappeared, along with my troubles. Once I'm hopelessly and pleasantly drunk I wonder what to do. I look around my apartment and realise that I haven't cleaned it in days, swaying as I walk I make my way to the sink and start to clean dishes. How hopeless am I? I get drunk beyond all recognition and the most exciting thing I can do is wash up. As I wash up ,my thoughts blur and my problems begin to surface again. I leave the dishes and make my way to the bathroom where I look in the mirror, I hardly recognise the person looking back at me. Her hair is unbrushed, her eyes are red and swollen and she clutches an empty bottle of vodka in her arms. The person in the mirror can't be me, can it? I'm Abby, sensible Abby, sober Abby. The girl in the mirror is a lost, lonely murderer.  
  
I'm drunk and so I don't think straight, I shout at the girl in the mirror 'Murderer, murderer!' As I shout I break down into sobs and I notice that the girl in the mirror is crying with me. She's sobbing like me and I yell at her to shut up. I think she's taunting me, she doesn't stop crying, it's almost as though she's imitating me. She doesn't stop and so I throw my precious vodka bottle at her, the mirror smashes, along with the bottle and although the girl in the mirror's appearance is cracked, she's still there. She won't go away, she won't leave me alone. Why won't she leave me alone?  
  
***  
  
I'm woken by pounding on my apartment door and someone yelling out my name. I try to get up, but fall back down again, my head pounding. I curl up against the wall and shut my eyes, hoping that whoever it is will go away. They're calling to me, asking if I'm there, I don't respond, I just shut my eyes tighter. I hear a lock being broken and someone walking into the apartment, calling out for me. They see that the bathroom door is ajar and so they walk in,  
  
'Abby?' Oh, god, it's Luka and I'm a mess. I'm curled up in the corner, my eyes firmly shut and he's the last person I want to see at the moment. No, that's not true, I don't want to see anyone right now I just want to sleep. He crouches down beside me and puts a hand on my arm,  
  
'Abby?' he says again. I groan and open my eyes. I see his concerned face peering down at me, I wince in the bright light,  
  
'I feel like I've just been run over by a lawnmower,' I say, making him smile. He glances at the smashes mirror,  
  
'You know breaking mirrors gives you 7 years of bad luck,' he says, a smile on his lips.  
  
'Great, just what I need at the moment.' I say, wincing as he helps me to stand up. With a lot of help from him I make it to my couch and lie down on it, resting my head on some cushions.  
  
'Why are you here?' I ask him,  
  
'You didn't show up at work, I was worried,'  
  
'I don't need a baby-sitter you know,' I say to him,  
  
'Oh yeah? Then why did I just find you unconscious on your bathroom floor?'  
  
'I wasn't unconscious, I was just resting my eyes,'  
  
'Fine, whatever you say. Dr Weaver wanted me to tell you that as you didn't show up for your shift, she was going to assume that you were at home stuck under something very heavy and unable to get to work and she'll expect you at eleven this evening.'  
  
'I have to work a night shift?' I ask, annoyed.  
  
'Well, that's what happens when you don't go to work and don't phone in to say that you're feeling ill.'  
  
***  
  
At eleven o'clock I walk into the hospital and am greeted by the unusual sight of Luka and Carter deep in conversation. That's when I know something must be wrong, they usually only talk to each other briefly and when absolutely necessary, but here the are, deep in conversation, almost as if they are old friends.  
  
Oh shit. They must be talking about me, Luka must be telling Carter about earlier. Things go from bad to worse, Luka knew I had been drinking and if he told Carter, well he can't know. As far as he's concerned I'm sober and have been for years, if Luka told him that I had been drinking, he would go crazy. Seriously. Luka sees me looking at them and leaves, almost guiltily. Carter walks towards me with a concerned look on his face, when he reaches me he says, 'Abby I need to talk to you.' I know he knows and so I say, 'I'm kinda busy, if I don't hurry I'll be late for my shift,'  
  
'It won't take long,' he says to me, determined.  
  
'Weaver will kill me,'  
  
'Come outside with me,' he practically drags me outside and once outside he looks at me, he's not smiling.  
  
'Luka told me.' he says.  
  
'About what,' I ask, playing innocent,  
  
'About earlier, about how he found you in your apartment this morning, why didn't you tell me about the drinking Abby?'  
  
'I....' I don't know what to say, I just look at him and I'm scared by how angry he is.  
  
'How long have you been drinking then?'  
  
'Not long,' I lie,  
  
'How long?' he says, repeating himself.  
  
'I...I don't know,'  
  
'Right, so you think drinking will make things better?'  
  
'No, I..I think that this is none of your business,'  
  
'No, this is very much my business,'  
  
'It is not! You know what? I've been drinking for a long time now, ages. You know what else? You didn't notice. You're supposed to be my best friend and you didn't notice, you were so wrapped up in your little girlfriend, that you didn't realise that your supposedly best friend was going out every night and getting drunk. That's all I am at the end of the day, isn't it? A stupid, worthless drunk.......'  
  
'Abby don't....' he says.  
  
'Don't what Carter? Don't let you realise how stupid I really am. You know what I just realised? That you don't care about me, we're friends and the minute you get a distraction you forget about me. That's all I am to you isn't it.' One more minute, one more minute of mindless ranting and it would have all pored out, the depression, how I killed a little girl. I don't carry on, I don't want him to know. I walk away from him, so that he doesn't see the tears forming in my eyes.  
  
All that arguing took twenty minutes, I'm twenty minutes late and it's all him fault. Kerry gives me hell, all I hear are the words 'irresponsible' 'distracted'.......... I missed one shift and am late for one on the same day. I want to shout back at her, I want to ask her if she would prefer I show up for a shift drunk, but I don't. I'm too cowardly to do that.  
  
***  
  
I go home, but I don't cry. I think that I've cried enough in the past few days to last myself a lifetime. I decide that I'm not going to cry anymore, I'm going to go out and drown my sorrows with drink. I drink beer, after beer, after beer and I return home happier and yet emptier. 


	4. Just a game

A/N-Sorry I haven't updated this in a while, I was a really naughty girl, broke some rules and got banned from uploading anything for a week (me-an angel with a devillish streak). The incriminated piece was removed from the site (Ode to flamers- if you missed out on reading it e-mail me at cutecarrie2@hotmail.com for a copy) This chapter is actually rubbish, but still... please R&R  
  
Why does everyone want to help me? It's become a game- who can help Abby before she plunges into a black hole of oblivion. The person who saves me first gets a prize. I'm just tired of it, I don't need saving and I don't need help. I can get through this on my own can't I?  
  
Luka said something to me earlier, somehing that made me think. He said that I'm afraid to let someone help me and care for me. He was talking to me about things and he just said it to me. Well, I had to bite back and tell him that I'm not afraid, although actually I am, I had to tell him that I'm not letting him or Carter help me because I don't trust them, although I do, I told him that I didn't need his pity or his help, so he obliged and left. Now even if I wanted help, I wouldn't have anyone to help me, I've alienated myself and I'm going to have to deal with this by myself and for myself, not for anyone else.  
  
I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel helpless. I'm not sure what to do. I just sit at home, staring at a glass of whisky. I don't want it, I don't want to need it, I don't want to feel drawn to it. I take a deep breath and pour the contents of the glass down the sink, I watch the liquid spiral down and down. I grab the bottle and pour the rest of its contents down the sink. The moment I pour it away I want it back, I realise that it was the last bottle of alcohol in the house and its all I can do to restrain myself from running down to the shops and stocking up on alcohol. I feel unsure of what to do, it's like being on a diet, I tell myself that it IS a diet, an alcohol diet.  
  
I walk to my bedroom, ignoring the fact that it's just 8pm, I tell myself that I'm just going to have a nap. When I'm sleeping I can't crave alcohol, so I lie down and try to sleep. You know how when you try to get to sleep you never can? Well, I lie in bed for what seems abut an hour and I don't sleep. I decide that it's pointless and get out of bed. I try watching some television, anything to take my mind off alcohol, but every channel seems to have something related to alcohol. Maybe my mind is just getting obsessed, but I need something to do, so I grab my coat and leave my apartment. Oh, I'm not going to a bar if that's what you're thinking, no, I'm going to the good old Cook County ER.  
  
I take the El there and as I walk from the El station to the hospital, I feel the wind on my face. It makes me feel somewhat refreshed and when I arrive at the hospital my mood is slightly better. When I walk in I see Susan who asks why I'm there, it isn't my shift after all. I tell her that I was feeling like doing something so I thought I'd come in and help out. I don't tell her that I'm doing it to keep my mind off alcohol, or that I'm trying to make up for killing that girl. She seems to accept my explanation and she rushes off to help in a trauma, leaving me alone. I go to the lounge, where I see Carter,  
  
'Abby, what are you doing in? Your shift finished ages ago.'  
  
I look at him in annoyance, believe me, Abigail Lockhart knows how to hold a grudge.  
  
'I got bored at home,'  
  
'Have you been drinking?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Sure,'  
  
'I have NOT been drinking Carter and anyway, what are you, my mother?'  
  
'No, in case you haven't noticed I'm not bipolar,'  
  
'Can you not act like an asshole for one second,'  
  
'I'm only treating you the way you treat me,'  
  
'Right, so I'm allowed to make fun of your mother am I?' I ask him,  
  
'If you want to,'  
  
'Fine, your mother is a nasty person who married into money,'  
  
'That's the best you can do?'  
  
'Go to hell Carter,' I say, slamming the door as I leave. What am I going to do? 


	5. Drowning sorrows

A/N - I haven't written a chapter of this for ages, so I thought that I would give it a shot, as always please R&R. Sorry that this is a bit short, but anyway, enjoy......  
  
Not a moment goes by when I don't think of drinking and sometimes I give in and just drink. You see I'm not that strong, I may pretend to be, but I'm not. I try not to drink; I try not to think about anything, I just want to make it through the day. I find myself sitting in Doc Magoos alone, with no one to talk to, with no one to tell about my day. I curl up in bed every night, closing my eyes, but not wanting to sleep. I'm afraid of to sleep, because of the dreams that may come. So in the end I just curl up in bed and cry.  
  
Things have been edgy with Carter and so I just ignore him, hoping that the problem will just go away. I find myself bottling things up inside me, but I wonder when I will fall apart and when everything will pour out.  
  
*** I find myself knocking on a door, hardly sure of how I got there. After a while, the door opens and a familiar face looks down at me, it's Luka. He starts to say hello to me, but I stop him by leaning upwards and kissing him. I don't want to talk, I just need someone. Alarm bells ring in my head and I just ignore them, I half hope that he's going to stop me and make me talk to him, but he doesn't, he just keeps kissing me. It's a lot like the alcohol, I'm drowning my sorrows and I let myself lose myself. I know it's wrong, I know that it shouldn't be like this, but I don't care. I want to forget, I want to have someone and in a strange way I want to get back at Carter.  
  
By the time we fall onto his bed I just don't care any more, I'm past caring. For a few moments in time I can forget my troubles, for a few moments in time I want him.  
  
***  
  
I'm lying in bed next to him, he's asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily and yet I lie awake. I grab my clothes and get dressed quickly, careful not to wake him. I leave and run out into the icy cold air, my heart pounding. For the first time in a long time I feel alive. 


End file.
